Today my question I have for God, is – when is enough enough? I have learned it is perfectly okay for me to ask Him a question and even a hard one! He is up for the challenge; He IS God after all. Sometimes we put Him in a tiny box, as if He can’t handle our big challenging questions or concerns. If I can’t ask HIM, then really – who CAN I ask that could possibly give me an answer! UGH!
I look at the world – the big one out there, and the one in my own small corner. There are life threatening storms, terrorists, disease that could wipe out millions, PTSD, bullying, cutting, suicide, untimely deaths of loved ones, and the one that haunts my thoughts – cancer. Cancer took the life of my husband and now threatens the life of some I dearly love. Cancer IS terrorism; it is a violent attempt against a person.
This is one of those issue when I say again – when is enough enough? If you thought I was going to end this blog with some great answer that connects all the dots and makes it all make sense, you’d be wrong. I have no answers, thus why I am asking God. I feel like He is silent. I feel like He would somehow expect me to already know; to search my own heart for truth. Kind of like when a child is building a lego set, asks you for help, and you say – figure it out for yourself. We do that because we know there is joy in the solving of the lego mystery and joy in the completed project. I do not see or sense joy in the answer to MY question. Sometimes the answers are a long time coming, and some times they just don’t come.
IF some questions have NO answers, then what would be important is my response to the unanswered question. If the cancer I see having violent attempts against the ones I love, can’t be rationalized – then I need to dig pretty deep inside myself to see how to deal with its aftermath. And, how to get through it. Cancer IS a journey; of THAT I am sure. Whether it is your personal journey of having the disease, or you are the one walking beside someone with it – it is a long, hard road and paved with fear, apprehension, and the dreaded unanswered questions of where? when? how? and WHY?
The only way I can walk this road out with those who need me to be strong for them is, to be strong for them. I can’t make the cancer my focus. I can’t be obsessed with answers I cannot find. I can’t make up a happy ending. I can’t pretend this terrorist disease is not armed, locked, and loaded. I won’t offer answers I do NOT have. I won’t make things up to fill in awkward silent spaces.
What I CAN do is take a deep breath – pray my guts out – do whatever humanly possible to be encouraging and supportive and uplifting – THIS is where I came up with my “dirt friend” theory – sometimes when we have no answers, it is best to just get right smack in the dirt pile your loved one is in, and sit there with them. Dirt at its best (and worst), is dirty. THAT is the point. Don’t be afraid to get down in the deepest darkest hole with someone who is suffering – it isn’t so much about the answer to the question – it is more about who stuck it out with you through the muddy trek.
I may be rambling,and that is because my friend with cancer is today sitting in the ER with some other random painful ailment – and it caused my “when is enough enough” question to surface. In my rambling I have remembered – its okay that I don’t know. And just because it makes no sense and there are no reasons that are logical to me, does NOT mean God does not care, or that He is not paying attention. Sometimes (or all the time….) – LIFE HAPPENS. It rains on ALL of our heads. Why is it raining? I don’t know. But I shall sit in the dirt pile (which is now more like MUD) with my friends….and THAT in itself is enough.