#WhyNot

courageI just left home. No, I am not 18. I am 57. 🙂 I am moved 3000 miles away. AND it’s my first time ever, to live on my own. My journey thus far ~ from a family home to college. From college to marriage. From marriage to 6 kids. From there, loss of husband, and now empty nest. There is my life in a very small nutshell. So, nope. NEVER lived on my own. Till last Saturday. Just me. 2 heavy suitcases, and 2 carry ons, and “20 seconds of insane courage”! haha! (Favorite movie quote from ‘I Bought A Zoo’.)  🙂

20 seconds to walk on to the plane, to move 3000 miles away. Is this a forever move? Probably not. I am guessing it’s just another chapter in the book of my life. Am I excited? yup! VERY. Am I scared? yup! VERY. Did I  chicken out? NO. 🙂

Telling anyone this, just to say ~ sometimes the only way to break out of your comfort zone, is just to do it. It is so easy to do the easy thing; to stick with what is familiar, and secure. And for sure, there is nothing wrong with that. There are times and seasons where we are meant to stay put, and others when we are meant to do something different/change/move. It takes wisdom to know timing.  If you are a mother of 6 kids, you just can’t decide to up and move away on a great adventure. Definitely NOT time. But, when your 6 kids are on their own, sure! Another quote from ‘I Bought A Zoo’ ~”Why not?”

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#PainAndJoyAreIntertwined

Having just come through a 10 year loss of my husband, and facing the proverbial empty nest (after raising 6 children), I find myself with a lot of questions about what to do next. Quite honestly, I have no clue. I was fortunate enough to be given a great gift of TIME; some much needed away time to think, pray, regroup, a little panic of course, and a whole lot of writing. This past year I had 2 knee replacements. I had the knees of an 80 year old (that’s what the x-rays showed), but inside of me I knew was still beating the heart of much younger, still had a lot of life left woman (I am just in my 50’s. I like the word JUST:)). Fast forward to now, 12 months later, I feel like a million bucks! (I even played out in the snow yesterday, and I am pretty sure I have NOT done that in years!)I am officially pain-free, after a good 18 years of increasing pain. The physical pain is gone, but the pain of losing my mate, is a part of  me; there is no heart replacement. And you know what? If there was, I wouldn’t want one. I earned this pain; this pain reminds me of the amazing life I had with my amazing one-of-a-kind husband! With every stabbing pain of loss, is attached a happy memory – I am learning to give and take with this pain experience. Yes, I did say I lost him 10 years ago, and No I am not over it; nor will I ever be. How can time erase something that has absolutely NOTHING to do with time? Love is a matter of the heart, and it remains exactly as it ever was. I have found this very healing; I have found I can laugh and cry within minutes of each other, and know that its normal, and I am not losing my mind. When you lose a loved one, the worst thing you can do for yourself is to compare how you think you are doing, with how you think others are doing. The journey is yours, and yours alone, and as you learn to breathe again, love again, dance again, and dream again, it doesn’t take away from the face that that person is not there. So, maybe you can walk some roads with me in this blog, and see that the pain and the joy go hand in hand, and that someday you will be okay with that. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. but, someday……I know I am.