This has been on my heart, because I have several friends who have lost their husband ~or boyfriend ~or a child in the past few years, and even just this past year. Well meaning people who have NO idea what this feels like, will always remind us to ‘move on’. Duh! Of course, we get up every day of every year with that sword drawn. And it IS offered to us in the spirit of love, because they just want the old US back. What they don’t understand is that we are forever changed. Period. There is a huge chunk of who we were, that is now gone. And for those around us, it terrifies them. They just want us to be happy, to be whole, to be who they remember us to be.
Okay, if you are on the side of loss, please remember there is NO timetable on grief, and a very real likelihood that you will never stop missing them. (nor do we want to.) What we can do, is re-invent ourselves. The part of you that loved them and built a life around them, is now safely stored in your heart. Go to ‘visit’, cry and scream or whatever you need to do, then shut the door and go LIVE in their honor. Go back again whenever you need to, but just for a visit. No, It will never end ~ it is a journey for the rest of your days on planet earth. BUT Oh how blessed you are to have had so great a love, that there is such a void left without them. No shame in that, no shame at all. Hold your head high and keep your eyes off the clock. Love is NOT a matter of TIME. It is a matter of the heart.
And for those of you who love us, and wish we would be whatever it is we USED to be, don’t remind us that we are NOT. We know this. We know we are widows. We know we are childless. We know we are barren. There are no words you can say that will change this fact, so just walk beside us. Grow with us from this new plot of soil in which we are planted. BE that ‘dirt friend’. The one who can handle our messes and our dirty ugly sobs and unplanned meltdowns ~ and another holiday season without someone at our table. Just please DON’T tell us to just ‘get over it’ – don’t tell us ‘time’s up’. Love is NOT a matter of TIME. It is a matter of the heart.